The AB3s of Receiving Feedback

April 17, 2025

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As a consultant privy to an inside look at organizations around the world, I've seen just how widely direct-line managers and HR leaders vary in skill in providing performance reviews. You’ve likely experienced this too, working for multiple managers throughout your career.

"You're doing great, but the LT wants you to take more ownership of key projects."

"We'd like to see you take a more strategic approach to executive interactions."

"In the next fiscal, consider getting more cross-functionally aligned, but be less intense."

Handled poorly, feedback conversations risk draining a team’s confidence. The wisest leaders I’ve coached thoughtfully rehearse these interactions. They know feedback only sticks when it’s clear, direct, and still leaves the person on the other side motivated to improve.

We can all remember managers, coaches, mentors who've come in swinging—brutally honest and convinced they're doing a favor by skipping the sugarcoating. This style can leave a team depleted and risk-averse. Others go soft, piling on the compliments but leaving you with no clue how to improve towards reaching career goals. The meeting ends with you either flattened or flattered…but either way, you’re stuck.

In reality, that awkward annual conversation has a ton riding on it. Promotions, bonuses, visibility, stretch projects, career momentum are all on the line. It's true that leaders don’t always deliver feedback effectively, but most employees haven’t been taught how to receive it well either. And that’s a massive missed opportunity. You get maybe 45 minutes with a senior decision-maker with influence over your future. Beyond crossing fingers and hoping for positive marks, have a plan.

Here's an AB3 strategy to intentionally turn feedback conversations into relationship fuel:

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Capture. Whether receiving praise or a recommended adjustment, demonstrate that you are listening in a meaningful way. Writing it down is a solid move. Your point-of-view is not a factor in this first step. Decide later if you want to act on the observation. In that moment, you just need to be seen as someone receptive to growth.

On a job in Bangalore in 2017, a well-intentioned colleague generously provided an avalanche of feedback on my facilitation of that day’s meeting. I can still feel the tension in my jaw absorbing this unbearably lengthy critique. I cannot remember having to work so hard not to interrupt, justify, or defend. Navigating that interaction was a personal triumph, a skill I had learned as a TV and theater actor, taking notes from persnickety directors with a range of abilities to articulate what they actually wanted and, at times, with little regard for the feelings of the cast. 

Sometimes the skill in elegantly receiving feedback is just surviving the interaction without damaging the relationship. Or, you might have a more meaningful outcome – unlocking your peak performance. 

On Broadway, performers routinely receive their feedback on white index cards, hastily scribbled in the dark audience during the previous night’s performance. The shorthand notes are specific, coded, and collectively understood:

“Wait for tremolo, then cross to bell lift line,”

“Stand on 3 during daisy-chain,”

“Physicalize door knock take.” 

By the next night’s show, the adjustment is expected. No debate. If the same note is given a third time, the actor may be fined by the union.

For the past 12 years, my favorite person (AKA wife) has participated in this ritualized maintenance process as a swing, dance captain, and associate choreographer on numerous Broadway productions. No one is spared her infamous white index cards, from seasoned celebrities to ensemble dancers making their NYC debuts. When Sara appears with a stack of cards, you know the show is getting sharper. 

Here's the advanced move in Step A: Clarify, ONLY if necessary. If you understand the essence of the note, move on to Step B. If you genuinely don't feel clear, ask questions, but be sure to check your motive. Be careful that you are gaining understanding, not disguising your POV to set up a debate.

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Appreciate. The person providing feedback may not have nailed the delivery—they may even be wrong—but chances are, they're trying to support your development the best they can. It's possible they even truly believe in you. In their mind, they admirably fulfilled the job as a mentor or collaborator. That effort deserves acknowledgment.

In leadership, as in the performing arts, how you think you’re coming across is often wildly different from how you are actually landing. To operate at the highest level, it takes the watchful eye of a supportive collaborator who can help you identify blindspots, align with the broader organizational mission, and still honor your individual style. Even when the recommendation stings, they’re showing you a perspective on how to level up. Gratitude is not tacit agreement. Thank them whether you agree or not.

Then, if you share this outcome: “I want my LT to know I’m growth-oriented, that I value their ideas and wisdom, that they can say challenging things to me without worrying about my ego,” Step 3 is non-negotiable.

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Reflect. In the hours/days/weeks that follow, think deeply about what was shared, particularly if it echoes observations you've heard before. If you trust the source and the wisdom rings true, create a plan to address it. If not, move on. But don’t skip the reflection.

Here’s a truth: many managers can spot what’s off, but few can clearly articulate what to do instead. They may flag (perhaps accurately) that a certain quality is missing, but are simply not equipped to offer actionable, achievable support after providing the initial observation. That’s what skilled coaches and L&D departments are for. Your job is to stay in the conversation and then make a smart decision if a pivot is warranted. Just as much as any KPI, how you maneuver through these interactions shapes colleagues' desire to continue collaborating with you. 

So: Capture it. Appreciate it. Reflect on it. And…

AB3+: Accountability. Retrieve feedback on the adjustment you've made. Don’t wait until your next performance review to find out if you are getting closer to target. Feedback is a gift. Accountability is the thank-you note.

Connect with Ari

Inspirations for this blog stem from real experiences with clients, thoughtful discussions with colleagues, and readings publicly available on communication, leadership, and influence. If you're looking to explore the ideas behind The AB3s of Receiving Feedback more deeply, here’s a list of insightful resources that have primarily informed this work:

• Mindset by Carol Dweck – 2006

• Care to Dare by George Kohlreiser, Susan Goldsworthy, and Duncan Coombe – 2012

• The Leadership Check-up by Jared Bleck and Tom Hughes – 2020

These offer frameworks, case studies, and expert insights that pair with The AB3 Group's philosophy—and may spark your next level of growth. Let's talk!